The other day I posted a little rant about my frustration when people don’t plan. In the conversation that developed out of that Liz and I got to talking about being able to see when people are about to make some kind of mistake and when it’s appropriate to say something or not.
That is a whole big issue. When do you speak up? When is it none of your business?
These are tough questions with no single “right” answers. And for sure there are no easy answers. Me, I tend to be opinionated and outspoken. My track record includes an obnoxious streak so I try to be more careful these days and weigh out whether I should speak up or not.
Often it is a tough decision. Let me give you an example.
I had a roommate once. He was a really nice guy, grew up in the church. He was in his mid 20′s and volunteered helping out with the youth group at his church. I noticed there was one girl that he seemed to spend a lot of time with.
Now I didn’t grow up in church. I’ve been out there in the world and seen some stuff, if you know what I mean. I’ve learned a little about people. And I saw a potential problem developing for my roommate and his friend.
She was under 18 and to my perspective they seemed to be spending maybe too much time together. But who am I to judge, right? Besides I knew my track record (borderline obnoxious, hey?).
Well it bothered me enough that I went to two separate friends of mine I trusted and asked them discretely for advice. Both of them independently recommended that I not say anything. They said that I didn’t really know him all that well and maybe I was misreading the situation. He might not take to kindly to my view of things and it might ruin our friendship. Well, knowing who I am I decided to go against my own instincts and kept my piece.
You know what happened.
After I moved out of the house (actually I moved completely out of the state). She ended up getting pregnant and they got married. Now before you get all outraged at him remember he really is a nice guy who genuinely wants to do right by folks. He was however just as naive as she was. Should he have known better? Sure.
If that was where it ended, then all’s well, right? Well unfortunately their marriage didn’t last. I don’t know any of the details other than there were some more children involved before it was over. So now we have several lives that are more complicated than they needed to be.
Hindsight is 20/20 and I should have said something. I regret not speaking up. The whole thing was a powerful lesson to me on the importance of giving advice and I am now more inclined to speak up even when what I say may not be received well. And even when I might be totally wrong and misreading the situation entirely. I guess I’d rather look like a boob than see someone else get hurt.
Here’s a couple nuggets from Proverbs on the issue:
Wounds from a friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.
The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense.
But there are definitely times when it is better to keep your peace. Some lessons are best learned by experience. Some of our relationships are just plain not close enough for it to be appropriate for us to speak up.
So here are some things to think about that might help you through this dilemma.
- How well you know the person versus how serious the issue at hand is. You can think of it as an equation or a scale. On one side put your relationship with the person, how well you know them, the likelihood you can speak to them about a tough subject without them misinterpreting your intentions. On the other side weigh out how serious the issue is. It truly is often better not to sweat the small stuff. If it is no big deal, then shut up!
- What are the implications and possible consequences of not speaking up? Think through what might happen. What’s the worst case? The best case? How many people might be affected?
- Is there a lesson that the person probably won’t learn without making the mistake at hand? As much as I prefer to learn from the mistakes of others, the reality is I learn best and fastest from my own mistakes. That’s just the way we’re wired
- Has the mistake already been made, or is there still time to avoid it. This may seem common sense to most folks. But there are some out there who feel it is their job to point out every single mistake people have made. Telling someone “you just screwed up” is a whole other deal from warning them that they might be about to make a mistake. More often than not, when people blow it, they know it. They probably don’t need you to pick that scab for them.
The bottom line is all our actions have consequences. That principle applies both to us and to them. We face consequences whether we speak up or stay quiet. They face consequences for whatever choices they make, good or bad.
If you enjoyed this post, get free updates by email or RSS Feed.
Powered by Qumana
Hi Chris,
You know he probably wouldn’t have listened. Advice needs fertile ground to take seed.
Sometimes I look at a situation and think to myself, “Does this really need my opinion? Will the world work without me?” Most of the time, I can trust folks to lead their own lives, but then I come from the world view of God gave me ten talents to do with and I have to invest them as I see fit. They have to do with theirs the same way.
I think your points are significant and well taken, but your third one is, for me, the strongest. Most folks have to touch the stove for themselves to believe it really is hot. Then we say, “I should have listened.” You’re right it’s how we’re wired.
I guess it’s that other folk’s learning doesn’t really have deep meaning until we have the faced the dragons ourselves and have the context in which to apply it. At least, that’s how it works for me.
Sometimes I think that life is like a video game. That God has put me here to learn one lesson and that I keep having to learn it over and over again. No one can give me the cheat codes or the password. But once I finally master that lesson, I’ll get to go to the next level . . .
Chris –
Dude!! What in the WORLD are you doing?? This is a holiday weekend for the love of Pete!! BBQ – Firewoks – Jet skis – dunking your teenage son in the lake just to prove the old man can still take him if need be – and stuff like that!! Deep thinking?? I gotta tell ya’ man – I’m concerned about you. You should spend more time with your cats, maybe …
That having been said, here’s my $0.02 on the matter. In teaching our kids how to respond to matters such as this we have always advised the following:
If Holy Spirit reveals something to you about someone there is one thing that you are, then, always able (maybe even required) to do. That is to intercede for that person/situation. I believe it was John Knox (another religious, dead guy) that said something like, “God Almighty does nothing except in answer to prayer.” I believe God allows us to see things so we will pray so He can move in people’s lives. This is especially true of things we see in unbeliever’s lives. It is quite possible we are the only ones praying for that person. In an unrelated point, this has always been a compelling argument to me for prayer in tongues (sorry to open up this can of worms). We surrender our selves to Holy Spirit Who then intercedes through us for circumstances we have no earthly knowledge of. Then He can answer the prayer and everyone is happy. It’s one of those win-win situations you mentioned you enjoyed.
Then, having spent time asking God to intervene in that person’s life and having spent time in His presence, you are poised to hear from Him if you are to be part of the plan He implements to deal with the situation. Sometimes He says, “Speak!” and sometimes He says, “Shut up, you meddling idiot!”. Only if Holy Spirit indicates you are to say something are you to say something. This helps in dealing with the inevitable aftermath. Even if you’re walking out a divine mandate to speak doesn’t mean the people you are speaking to will agree or appreciate your efforts. So you need to be sure you are supposed to be the one to speak. Then you can rest secure, in whatever fallout follows, that you were doing what you were called to do and let Him worry about the details.
In 15 years of practice, this approach has worked amazingly well in practical application. It’s hard both to speak and to remain silent since we generally have some sort of relationship with the folks involved and we want the best for them. So does God, however, and He’s able to bring that best to pass. It seems good to us to let Him do His thing.
Sorry to post an article of my own as a comment but you are just so stinking provocative … Stop it!! Stop it, I say!!
Blessings,
Ken
Liz, the point is I don’t have any idea how he would have responded. One of the lessons I had to learn was that his response belonged to him and therefore it wasn’t my responsibility. I don’t beat myself up about what could have been. But I do try to take that lesson and apply it.
I like your video game analogy. God doesn’t force us to learn His lessons. But he usually lets us stay on the marry-go-round until we learn the particular lesson He has for us.
Ken, I don’t think my template shows it, but the time stamp for the post was first thing this morning. And we did the jet-ski/boat thing this afternoon. A man’s got to have his priorities after all, even if it does result in a little sunburn!
As far as the tounges can of worms is concerned, I really haven’t looked into it so don’t know enough about it (other than I clearly see it described in the bible) to speak intelligently about it.
But what you said about listening to God seems right on the mark to me.
You know, I usually try to abide by good ol’ James’ principle: “Be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger”. But I think that’s more of a warning against rambling on and what Bob Dylan termed “worthless foam from the mouth”. What you described is a different category. I know that nagging feeling in your gut.
For me, the struggle is to find a way to say something in a way that you don’t pre-judge or communicate a critical spirit – but leave the door open. Sometimes I think the best way is to ask an open question or simply communicate your concern for the person. It may or may not alter the outcome – that’s not my responsibility – but it may open the door for future conversation.
Sticky-wicket, Chris. But a good one to ponder. Thanks!
Tom, I’ve heard some folks (far wiser than me) say that we have 2 ears and 1 mouth so we should listen twice as much ss we talk. Asking questions sure can help the listening process along.
And Gorgeous tells me that sometimes it can be all about the tone of my voice. I can say the same exact words and communicate very differently depending on the tone of my voice. And softer is usually better.