Gorgeous and I had a little tiff last night. It was about something stupid. It usually is. Last night it had something to do with rearranging offices. Dumb.
We are trying to learn how to fight fair. It’s not easy because we both have the capacity to get pretty stinking angry. We have the potential for a high order explosion if we’re not careful.
There’s a Proverb about anger. It says, “A fool gives full vent to anger, but a wise person quietly holds it back.”
I was pretty foolish last night.
Did you know that the Bible has a whole bunch to say about anger? It mentions it about 400 times. God get’s angry at people. Some of God’s people get angry at Him. And of course lots of people get angry with each other. The Bible tells us that even Jesus got angry at times. I guess God knows how we are as far as that is concerned.
Here’s an anger reference that I find encouraging:
In your anger do not sin.
I’m glad it doesn’t say “don’t sin by getting angry.” God knows we will get angry because it is part of the way he wired us. Even so, he tells us not to sin by allowing ourselves to be controlled by our anger. For example we shouldn’t use our anger to fuel revenge.
And revenge doesn’t always mean some big dramatic Hollywood type thing either. Usually our revenge is simply a bunch of little digs we aim at the offending party to punish them. When we do that we are really hurting ourselves worse than we are hurting them.
The good news for Gorgeous and I is that we each found some constructive uses for our anger. I went out and cut the grass. I’ve shared how much I hate yard work. I figured as long as I was angry, I might as well get it done and not spoil a good mood some other time.
Gorgeous went on an organizing frenzy and got her office and most of the rest of the house picked up before I got back inside. When we got our respective projects done, we had a nice dinner, watched some TV and both fell asleep on the pit couch. Neither of us were angry anymore.
Which is a good thing because the next part of that anger reference above says
Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry
And that’s not easy to do some times. Especially when you have an argument with your spouse in the evening. But if you make it a principle to live by, I’m told that studies say you will be healthier and live longer. I guess it is worth the effort.
We didn’t get to Pirates of the Caribbean last night. Perhaps we will brave all the kiddies and go this afternoon.
Enjoy!
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It’s always interesting mixing two people with different ways of handling and expressing anger. I know in our marriage, my beautiful wife tends to boil over quickly but it’s done. I tend to boil very slowly and keep a lid on the pot so you can’t see it until it’s too late. It makes for some fascinating moments.
Marriage…what a long strange trip it’s been.
I heard a definition of conflict I liked once.
That is so true, isn’t it?
Chris –
Thanks for the vulnerability, bro. You call your encounter with Gorgeous a ‘tiff’. You must be a saint! I call what happens at our place ‘a diet discussion’ as it inevitably consists of ‘high volume and low content’.
Truthfully, though, after 20 years of marriage, my own Gorgeous and I have far fewer diet discussions. Some of it is more maturity on our parts (probably mostly hers) and some of it is we’ve resolved a few of the issues and no longer need to fight about them. I suspect much of it is also that she’s much younger than me and now that I’m getting old I find it distasteful to have to admit I’d lose to both a woman and a young person (just a little levity … no flames please …).
I like that you say you’re trying to learn how to fight fair. I believe that to be a godly pursuit. Most of us practice anything goes in such combat and believe we can apologize or make nice later. Not so! We can carelessly say things in the heat of the moment that will undo years of relationship building.
To help us in our ‘fighting fair’, Kathy and I put together and followed a list of ‘to dos and not to dos’ for fighting. Needless to say these were compiled in a time and place of calm and reasoned thought and helped us maintain basic civility during times when passions were running a bit warmer. Sort of a Promise Ring for people who hope to stay married after they find the one they were waiting for. 20 years later the process and results have served us well …
Blessings,
Ken
Ken,
Maybe I’m not so much a saint as I am a good liar by understatement!
But seriously, on the good side Gorgeous said this afternoon that we are finding healthier ways of resolving our differences. It is challenging because we are both very competitive people and neither one of us wants to lose. The trouble is when we have that attittude we both lose!
I’m told yours it a good idea: coming up with a set of groundrules when neither side is angry to help prevent the fireworks. We’re working on that but we really need to formalize it better.